Thinking about yesterday’s comment about not being useless, it is hard to do nothing. I have the Foodbank in Southwold and people rely on it being open when they need it and that means I still go there. I should be doing nothing 7 days a week, but if I don’t, who will. And that makes me think about indispensability. We were always told that no one is indispensable. But, going back to John Wesley again, he once said that there are some things that God cannot do and He cannot d

It’s almost 6am and I have been awake for 2.5 hours already. I thought about what John Wesley wrote in his Journal on the 22nd December 1763, when he was 60 years old: “God grant that I may never live to be useless “. Wesley died a few months before his 89th birthday and he was active right to the end, so his prayer was answered positively. I’ve never prayed that prayer! I’m 63, almost 64. But what does that prayer mean in an age when we are in favour of assisted suicide? How

I had my online meeting with a doctor from Occupational Health this morning. It was like a one hour doctor appointment. She is going to tell the Methodist Church that I’m not fit for work and possibly won’t be till after Christmas. She thinks my symptoms don’t fit with the diagnosis. I also made another appointment with the GP. This one is for the 27th November. So on the 19th November I have an appointment to see if I have prostate cancer or an enlarged prostate and on the 2

I woke up at 2:30am and didn’t get back to sleep. Last night the pain was very bad. I was doubled up with pain. I have decided not to pray for healing. I’m just asking God to do what He wants with me. If it’s time to leave then so be it. If I am to stay then I’ll put up with the pain. I was reminded of David Watson - vicar of St. Michael le Belfrey in York. He was well known back in the 1980s. When he was diagnosed with cancer he had to adjust his thinking from being willing

One of these days I’m going to write about healing. I’ll mention something today in a moment. Just one thing about yesterday’s doctor disaster: the new tablets I was given have several side effects; one is “abdominal pains “. So now I’m wondering how I’ll know if they are working. Will the ongoing abdominal pains mean they are not working, or are they working and the abdominal pains are just side effects? Life is never simple. Anyway, a short comment on healing. At the last C

Well, I went to see a different doctor today. I’ve never complained about the NHS but this was a bit much. She didn’t know me or my symptoms or the tests I have had or the results. This was an appointment to write me a sick note, which she did. I have been declared “unfit for work “. We talked about my abdominal pains getting worse and she asked me about my eating etc as though that could explain it. She wouldn’t talk about my blood test results because there wasn’t time (oth

Another strange day yesterday, starting with pain and nausea. The nausea is new. It didn’t last. But what it made me think about was how people talk about illness. I have had a few emails in this past week which begin, “Hope you’re feeling better “. I’m not. Hoping is OK and maybe after 13 months I should be feeling better, but I’m not. I started, a few months ago, being honest about this, and it’s not easy. It has become a custom to greet people with words like, “How are you

I seem to wake up with pain and sometimes the pain goes away as the day goes on, but then it returns in the evening. In between times I am still exhausted. I’m just not very good at showing it. It got me wondering, as I’m studying death at the moment, what resurrection will be like. Imagine that trumpet blast and waking up in a resurrected body that feels no pain and no tiredness and no hunger! It’s hard to imagine, but it’s something to anticipate. I don’t imagine Jesus groa

I went for a walk yesterday morning. It was not intentionally round the cemetery, but as the cemetery is behind our home I thought I should see it at some point - 10 months after we moved here. I used to walk around my home town when I was a teenager. That was a dangerous thing to do! But I was never attacked. It gave me time to think. That is a thing I don’t have so much of anymore. If I sit in the house I read. Walking allows space. I don’t understand people who walk around

I was thinking yesterday that maybe some of this is stress after all! I have not been stressed since I left Belfast 31 years ago. It goes against my nature, but it is possible that I’m burnt out. In the 19th century the evangelicals saw burning out as a badge of honour. It meant they had worked themselves to death for the gospel. The Nazarene Church had a similar view. I was surprised when I transferred into the Methodist ministry to see how much time off I was expected to ta

A few years ago, in my previous circuit, I was talking to one of the lay preachers who was also a Quaker. She told me about a Quaker idea she had come across; The Art of Nothingness. I found myself thinking about that yesterday. Every day of my ‘normal’ life I am doing something. I’m either reading and I become aware of all the books in my library that I haven’t yet read, or I’m working on my Apocalyptic project, that will take years to complete - I’m at 103,000+ words so far

Yesterday was a day of medium pain. It was good to spend the morning reading and sleeping. The afternoon was spent at the Wellbeing Cafe playing chess with a new person. I am curious about not being sent any results from my last blood tests. I had the other results within 2 days and it has been 5 days now. I reread the results and there is a note to make an appointment with my doctor so maybe he is going to tell me the results in person. That’s next Monday. I am still analysi

Today is my first day off work after being unwell for over a year. The last time I was off was when I was in hospital with a pulmonary embolism in 2010. Now I am off because the abdominal pain has become too much. I sleep reasonably well but wake up in the night in pain sometimes. I am physically and mentally tired. So I thought I would write on here about my experience over these next few weeks. I am still waiting for my latest blood test results. These are the resits becaus

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