Day 105

It's Sunday again. Next Sunday morning I have my cystoscopy, so I'll write something after I get home. The Sunday after, I'll be preaching, so I may just write about what it's like to be back.

I don't know how it will be though. We went for a meal at one of our garden centres yesterday and I could easily have fallen asleep at the table. These disturbed nights are not getting better.

Anyway, as I said, it's Sunday again, so Paul, facing his imminent death, wrote to the Philippians::

22 If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labour for me; and I do not know which I prefer. 23 I am hard pressed between the two: my desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better; 24 but to remain in the flesh is more necessary for you. (Philippians 1: 22-24)

This has been my position since I first went off sick. There were days when the pain was so bad that I genuinely thought this was it. As, one by one, the results all came back negative for cancer, I began to realise that maybe I would live after all. Even the cholesterol results last week, so the GPs prediction that I will die of a heart attack, or stroke, within the next 10 years, seems unlikely. And it is taking some adjusting.

My will is written, signed, witnessed and filed away. It includes funeral details. And now it looks like I'm going to live. There is a level of disappointment. That is a combination of my underlying depression and the passage above.

I do not know which I prefer. 23 I am hard pressed between the two: my desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better....

Many people desire to stay and are prepared to go, but I am in Paul's camp. I don't know if remaining in the flesh is better for anyone. It has advantages for my wife, and it would save the circuit the trouble of going into stationing, and covering for me in the meantime, but beyond that...?

But will it be fruitful labour?

Paul wasn't executed when he expected to be. We have no reliable history for this, but the story is that he was released, eventually made it to Spain (to preach, not for a holiday), but we have no records of how fruitful he was.

I saw a church advertising for a pastor yesterday. It was ideal for me. And as a monetray worth has been placed on me, I'll mention that it pays £10,000 a year more than I'm on now. It was one church; it came with a house. But it held no appeal, because I am too tired.

So, is my version of Paul: If I am to live in the flesh, that means more tiredness for me; and I do not know which I prefer?

Something still needs to be fixed. I am less than 3 years away from being able to quit. I will be offering to stay here beyond the 5 years, and I will leave it to the circuit to vote. If they want to keep me, I'll stay; if they don't, I won't, but this time I won't make the decision.

But there is a certain amount of peace in finally deciding that i'm not making any decisions. I will follow the guiding of the Holy Spirit and see where that takes me. In the meantime I have a lot of books to read, and those 3 projects need more work doing to them.