This is my 80th day of being off work. I was waiting for the post to arrive before I wrote anything. I was hoping for another letter from the hospital, but there wasn't one. I have to say that in the 10 months since I first booked an appointment with a GP it hasn't been too bad. There can't be much of my body that hasn't been examined, and as I said yesterday, on the whole I'm not doing too badly. The pain isn't too bad today and I'm feeling a bit like a fraud again, but as

I was reading Jeremy Taylor's "Rules for Holy Living" again last night, and he included this verse: Then Eli said, ‘He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes .’ ( 1 Samuel 3: 18 ) This is Samuel reporting to Eli what God said to him when He called him in the night. Samuel had to tell Eli that his sons would be judged because of their sins. Eli's response is the only right response: ‘He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes .’ Life would be so much easie

I thought I would ramble a bit this morning. This is what is called "Blue Monday" and we are all supposed to be miserable today, so something a little lighter. The sun is shining and I am not in pain just now. I was woken with a severe kick around 5am. It wasn't a kick in the stomach, but it felt like one. But at this precise moment I am not in pain. Did you hear/read about Jess's Rule? I'm thinking about the other week when I asked for an appointment with a GP and they wro

It's Sunday again, so time for another Bible passage. Psalm 73 today. I cannot remember, and I haven't checked, what I wrote about Psalm 73 on the webpage about "Psalms of Lament". It is a psalm of lament, but in my present condition it is a good one to look at. I used to preach this at New Year services because I thought it was a good way to start the year. The psalmist begins: Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me .... I have

I added another one to the multitudes yesterday. Another new customer at the Foodbank and I issued 5 food vouchers, meaning I fed 5 households this week. I don't need to justify myself, but I thought I would explain why, as bad as I'm feeling, I am still going to Southwold every week. A couple of years ago we were in Tenerife on holiday. One day as we were walking around the island we walked under a bridge, and sitting on the ground was a homeless girl, with paintings for s

I'll start off writing about yesterday's appointment and then talk about something else. I went to the hospital yesterday afternoon and the ultrasound department of the X-ray department was all the way down a corridor, with a waiting room round the last corner. There was no one there, so no people watching. I was still tired so I fell asleep there. This appointment was only 20 minutes late and the female Lithuanian health care assistant came and took me to the room. Again,

I was right about yesterday being a tiring day. I remember reading many years ago that significant sleep loss produces the same effects as an LSD trip. I had some weird sights yesterday! I didn't get my blood test. They booked me in for 8:24am this morning. I had a phlebotomist I have had before. The last time I had this one she told me it was my fault she couldn't find the vein because I hadn't drunk enough. Today she found the vein, but it kept moving, so she was jiggling

Well, here I am at 5:40am writing today's entry. I have been awake since just after 1am. I will say it is the pain that was somewhat excruciating, unless you know the origin of that word, which makes it sound like I'm exaggerating (excruciating - from crucifixion). If you are male you will have some idea how bad the pain is when I tell you what happened at the hospital yesterday. My appointment was only half an hour late, so that wasn't too bad. But I was sitting in the wa

This is the day! At 4:25 this evening (16:25 for those who must) I get to hear what they are going to do with me. I will find out if my self-diagnosis of yesterday was wrong and the culprit all along was my prostate. It's an interesting day. I am back to waiting; anticipating. This is judgment day (no capital letters). Will I be given antibiotics? Will I be offered a date for an operation? I've never had an operation before. That would be an experience. These days are pas

This is another medical one. A little bit of self-diagnosis. I am not medically trained, but I have qualifications in several other areas, so I will rely on my research abilities. I was asked to submit a blood test (which I did on the 29th December). The hospital were looking for coeliac antibodies. They had finally got round to looking at the results of the gastroscopy that I had on the 28th July. I have just looked that up in my diary and I am surprised it was that long

It's Sunday, so time for something biblical again. And to explain why I don't like the idea of being stressed: For me, one of the key passages for Christian living is Matthew 11: 28-30 , ‘ Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light .’ my yoke is easy and my burde

After yesterday's negative blog I felt a bit more positive. We went to the Foodbank in the afternoon and it was a satisfying time. There's never a rush after Christmas, but we fed some people. There are some things I haven't been able to give up even though I am officially off. There is no one else who will do this, so no matter how I may be feeling I still go. But I did feel more positive. I have decided not to make any decisions until I get all my results in. The Occupat

I have a lot of random thoughts this morning. It's 8:25am as I am writing this. I woke up with pain as usual, around 3 hours ago. But I woke up. That still surprises me each morning. Until I know what is wrong with me I will be surprised every morning. Yesterday I had the image of John Hurt in the "Alien" film, when the alien bursts out of his stomach. It feels like that some days. And having talked to my chair of district it seems like there is an expectation that I s

I was sent this song yesterday, so I thought I would add the words and a link: I don't know what this day will bring Will it be disappointing, filled with longed for things? I don't know what tomorrow holds Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness I don't know if these clouds mean rain If they do, will they pour down blessing or pain? I don't know what the future holds Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness Certain as the rivers reach the sea Certain as the sunrise in t

I sometimes wonder if I should stop reading. Yesterday I read that undiagnosed abdominal pains can be a sign of pancreatic cancer. I had already thought about pancreatic cancer. When people were telling me how worried I was about prostate cancer and how relieved I was to be told it wasn't cancer, I was thinking that was the least of my problems. The abdominal pains still remain undiagnosed. So death is on my mind again, and I was reminded of the Anglican Funeral Service tha

I am sitting here in sunshine, with frozen snow outside, glad that I don't have to go anywhere today. It's now a week until my appointment with the consultant to find out what they are going to do about my prostate. Still no word about my CT scan results to find out what is actually wrong with me. And no blood test results yet about my coeliac results. It's all waiting! But it's the 6th January, which for liturgists is Epiphany, so I said I would say something about the wis

I slept well last night and felt OK this morning when I woke up. And the funny thing is that I felt like a fraud. I drove through the snow to Tesco to get some shopping and an hour later I was almost doubled up in pain. So much for being a fraud! It just seems like a long time to be off, but still no results, so if I go back I don’t know how long it would be until I have to be off again. I think I’ll write something proper tomorrow.

Today I should have been taking my first service, but my time off is extended until my birthday. So, as yesterday was particularly painful, with chest pains added in the evening, I thought I should look at the Methodist Covenant Service. I had restricted myself to 2 this year: today and next Sunday. Gone are the days when I have to repeat this 7 or 8 weeks in a row, even doing it 2 or 3 times in the day. In the Worship Book that replaced the Service Book around 25+ years ag

I had nothing to say today. I went for a 2.6 mile walk this morning before it snowed. The rest of the day was painful. And still I wait for results. Tomorrow I will try to be more eloquent.

I was surprised to wake up this morning. I felt so bad yesterday. As I am still alive I sent in a request to my medical centre for another "Fit Note". Part of the process involves explaining why I need the Note, so I told them they still haven't found out what is wrong with me, so I still have no diagnosis and therefore still no treatment. But that's not what I wanted to write about. Despite the ongoing feeling, I have started going for walks in the morning. Today was my se