Day Five

Well, that was interesting! I went two and a half days without any pain and I thought that maybe it was over, but it came back yesterday afternoon; it woke me at 3am today, but I beat it and went back to sleep just after 4, until 6am. I am not in any pain as I write this (8:35am) and if they (that's "THEY") are right and it is stress and, therefore IBS, I should be in pain now. I have a meeting this afternoon that will be argumentative and I am chairing it, so if I am stressed, why am I not stressed? Time will tell, but I will be severely disappointed in myself if I am.

Anyway, let's talk about what I was thinking about at 3am: I was thinking about that book I mentioned yesterday, "Girlfriend in a Coma". I will spoil it and tell you that at the end of the book Karen falls back into the coma and the world resets itself and everyone lives.

And then I was reminded of an episode of The Twilight Zone. My teenage years were spent watching The Twilight Zone (my dreams still take me there). In this particular episode there is a man who, for reasons I have forgotten, wants to be invisible. He wants no one to hear him or see him and by the end of the programme he gets his wish. The problem is that invisibility works both ways. The world cannot see him and he cannot see the world. He is in a white space (with a floor for convenience, otherwise....) And that one has always amused me.

But at 3am I was thinking about how much of my life has been affected by other people's decisions and actions (and let's say sins while we are at it).

If George Braithwaite had just delivered the post in western Cumbria during the Second World War he wouldn't have got the married Emily (forgotten her last name) pregnant, and so my mother wouldn't have been born. Then, if she had found an unmarried man to go out with she wouldn't have become pregnant with me (although we are now doubting her story). And if she hadn't decided to hand me over to complete strangers; or if it had been a different couple of complete strangers.... And on and on it goes. Other people affecting my life before I could do anything about it.

So, I was asking myself what I would be like without the world? If this is stress, I wouldn't be stressed. I have lived most of my life without it. I have had occasional illnesses, but nothing serious. But here I am - a commodity in the Methodist Church with a value tag attached. Are they getting their "money's worth" out of me - their "pound of flesh"? Do I have to perform certain functions to be accepted? Do I want to be accepted.

The Methodist Church pays ministers a set amount of money so we don't have to go out to work, and then lets us fulfil our ministry as we see fit. It's a pity they kept that a secret by writing it in a big fat book with the catchy title: "The Constitution, Practice and Discipline of the Methodist Church". How is anyone supposed to know?

I am feeling used and abused this morning. I'm sure it will pass.

P.S. The chair of district has just emailed - this afternoon's meeting is postponed till next week because she is ill.