Day Four

It is 5: 50am. I am up, showered and dressed. The washing machine is on. I was awake before 4am composing this post in my head. The problem is that I have forgotten most of it now. Just to say that I have no pain.

My thoughts a couple of hours ago were about something I preached in a Churches Together service, possibly a year ago, in Beccles. I did a comparison between the films, "It's a Wonderful Life" and "The Butterfly Effect", and the novel by Douglas Coupland: "Girlfriend in a Coma". It's a long time since I have watched "It's a Wonderful Life", but I remember it well. George Bailey is not having a wonderful life; all his plans have come to nothing, and he is facing bankruptcy; it's the late 1940s and naturally to solve his problems he gets drunk and this leads to his decision to kill himself, because it would be better if he had never been born. Clarence, the angel who is trying to earn his wings, shows him how different the lives of the people in his town would be if George were never born.

Alternatively, in "The Butterfly Effect", Evan Treborn has the ability to go back to significant points in his life and change things. He does this to try to help his friend, Kayleigh, who as a child was sexually abused by her dad. The problem is that every time he changes things the lives of Kayleigh, and his other friends, get get worse. SPOILER ALERT! The solution that Evan decides on is that their lives would be better if he had never been born, so he goes back in time to when he was in his mother's womb and strangles himself with his umbilical cord.. The opposite of George Bailey.

Then, in "Girlfriend in a Coma", there is a group of friends, one of whom is the narrator - it's his girlfriend who slips into a coma. At a certain point in the book she wakes up and everyone in the world, except this group of friends, dies. And they have to see if they can be better people without the world.

Three scenarios which I play around with from time to time (the sermon was well-received I should add). But could you imagine what a counsellor would make of that??!!??

So, I ask myself: Am I George Bailey, or Evan Treborn? Is the world better for me being in it, or would it be better if I had never been born?

Obviously when the black clouds hover overhead I am Evan Treborn. but on other occasions I think maybe George Bailey. At my final service in Eastbourne when I was leaving the church I had planted (with the easy to remember name: "The church in the Haven School "- "The Haven" for short) I preached from Acts 20 when Paul is saying farewell to the church in Ephesus, knowing he would never see them again. I also used the dying words of Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Because of a timewarp, (nothing to do with The Rocky Horror Picture Show) he is thrown into the future. Malcolm McDowell (the actor hated by all Trekkies) fatally wounds Kirk, and as he is dying he says to Captain Jean Luc Pickard, "Did we do it? Did we make a difference?" Jean Luc says, "We did", and Kirk says, "It was fun", and dies.

So I asked the congregation at The Haven, "Did I make a difference?" There wasn't a church when I arrived there 9 years before; most of them didn't know each other before; very few of them were Christians before; and many of them had been healed of various ailments. When I asked the question, they were enthusiastic in their reply, and they gave me a standing ovation when I finished.

That is the standard I am working towards everywhere I go. The difference I expect to make is the George Bailey difference, not the Evan Treborn difference. But, I sometimes wonder how I would be; how I would live; if I didn't have that as my purpose. - if the world around me were no longer around me

But I also see that this is why I am experiencing burn out. I see so many broken people that I know I can fix (Humpty Dumpty should have called for me), but in the process of fixing them, I think I broke myself.

When I haven't made a difference, in my perception, I have curtailed my appointments and moved on. Sometimes I was wrong in my perception. But right now, I have been awake since before 4am thinking of this - not because of abdominal pains, but more existential pains.

I don't think counselling can solve this. I have even been asked if I would consider a Spiritual Director, but again, where would I find a charismatic/evangelical spiritual director with more experience?

If I find a solution, I'll let you know.