Day eighty four

Just a few days ago I thought it was all over, but considering it is now 11am on a Sunday morning and this is my third day of severe pain I am guessing that it's not. Even though so far there seems to be nothing wrong with me. It was another early start today - 4am - which is why I haven't written anything yet.

But it is Sunday and I'm trying to write something biblical at least on Sundays. A few weeks ago I said I would write something about depression, so Elijah it is.

1 Kings 19: 3-5, Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. ‘I have had enough, Lord,’ he said. ‘Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.’ Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

Why was Elijah afraid? He had just taken on 400 false prophets and had them all killed. He had prayed for the drought to end and it did. And then he had run back to Jezreel, faster than King Ahab in his chariot.

I would guess he was worn out. It wasn't that Jezebel was anything special; she was just the final straw.

He prayed:  ‘I have had enough, Lord,’ I wonder if you have ever prayed that?

I have; many times. And I have prayed it many more times in the last few weeks.

I prayed it this morning!

I have a tendency to get depressed. People who think they know me would find that hard to believe, but those who know me know it's true, although not many have seen me at my worst.

There are a variety of views. I was at a Men's Breakfast a couple of years ago and the speaker was talking about depression. He said it's an illness. He knew it was an illness because he had it and he was on medication for it.

It can be caused by a chemical imbalance which can be treated by other chemicals. But not all depression is an illness.

I have never liked the Medical Model that says everything is an illness and we are not responsible.

I don't think I have an illness.

I would never take medication for it.

In the first Occupational Health report that went in to the Methodist Church the diagnosis was included saying I am "Clinically Depressed". I'm not - I don't have enough symptoms, but I am close. The Methodist Church have done nothing in response to this, but that's by the way.

It is not a thing that is easy to admit to because there are other views: last year I was at one of the coffee mornings I regularly attend and one of the people at my table was talking about someone she knows. She said he's depressed, but "He has nothing to be depressed about". And then she listed all the good things in his life. I couldn't tell her I'm depressed.

Some people think there has to be a reason!

So I thought about Elijah. He had quite a ministry: he called fire down from heaven on several occasions. No one else ever did that! He prayed about the weather and his prayers were answered.

And he demonstrated the power of God to the people. Then he asked them, "‘How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him."

It was a simple enough question!

The response was: 'But the people said nothing.'

I think it was that, more than anything, that tipped Elijah over the edge and into depression.

I have faced that so many times: demonstrating the power of God and then asking for a response, 'But the people said nothing.'

So, after 3 months off I wonder has it made any difference? I haven't been completely off; there has been some admin. that I've had to do, and I've kept the Foodbank running. I checked the numbers the other day. Since I have been "off" I have fed 20 households and 5 of them were new. That's not counting the Christmas bags we gave out just before Christmas. But everything else I have not done because I have no energy.

And my prayer today is:  ‘I have had enough, Lord,’

This is just a comment - not a cry for help. I don't do that, remember.

But, to end on a positive: God was watching over Elijah and he had another purpose for him. One task was to appoint his successor. And then there was that whirlwind that took him on a one way trip into the presence of God.

That was one prayer that didn't get answered - Elijah didn't get to die!

Sometimes God answers in the way we would like.

Other times He gives us something better!