Day sixty eight

I have a lot of random thoughts this morning. It's 8:25am as I am writing this. I woke up with pain as usual, around 3 hours ago. But I woke up. That still surprises me each morning. Until I know what is wrong with me I will be surprised every morning.

Yesterday I had the image of John Hurt in the "Alien" film, when the alien bursts out of his stomach. It feels like that some days.

And having talked to my chair of district it seems like there is an expectation that I should go back to work (I could be hearing this wrong). Part-time. And I am wondering how I do that. I cannot imagine taking a full hour's service at the moment. So I could have someone else lead the service and I could preach. But could I? Do I have the motivation to prepare a sermon? I have plenty of previously used ones, but they don't always work in a different setting. So I am having random thoughts. And could I stand up there and be me? Does that "me" still exist?

Can I quit? I don't think I can afford to take early retirement. So do I go back and struggle until I can't do it anymore - again? Just like I did for the first 12 months of these pains?

I think the problem is that I don't look ill. I don't talk like I'm ill. I don't scream in pain when I should.

At the moment I am waiting for results. And part of me wants a diagnosis that will say I cannot go back. Part of me thinks they will find nothing and it will be considered stress. You have to know where I have been to see how comical that would be. My first church was in Belfast during The Troubles and now I'm in Suffolk! If I wasn't stressed in Belfast why would I be stressed in Suffolk?

But yesterday I read all the emails that were sent to me during COVID (in my last circuit). People in my churches, and people from other denominations, writing to tell me how helpful they found my pastoral letters and the videos that you will find if you scroll down here far enough. In the last 3 years there have been occasional thank yous, but mostly I have had no impact here. That may be part of my problem. I feel used up; worn out; pointless.

Maybe my insides are telling me something.

But where do I go from here?

This is my dilemma.

And this is my honesty.

This is the time of year my black cloud hangs over head. It's nearly my birthday and that always depresses me. I have often tried to take that day off - not to celebrate, just to keep away from people.

And yet, through it all I haven't stopped trusting that God will bring something good out of this. There are a couple of pages on my website that this blog is attached to, looking at "Psalms of Lament". I'm with the psalmist asking, "How long, O Lord?"

So, treat this as a "Blog of Lament".